My battle with breastfeeding

This post may be kind of long... So this may be one you want to skip. I have to write down my thoughts because this has been weighing on my mind and my heart since Elsie was born.

Before Elsie was born people use to ask if I was going to breast feed. My answer was always yes, and then we would move on. A very simple yes! If only the act of breast feeding was as easy as the words are to say. If you know me, you know that I am a planner. It is hard for me when things do not go the way I envisioned them. When we were in the hospital, I tried to breast feed Elsie immediately. She didn't really have an interest. That first night I just kept trying every couple of hours. The nurses just kept telling me that newborns are sometimes just not hungry and could go about three days before they decide to eat. I continued to try and sometimes she would latch on, but it would hurt terribly and she wouldn't suck. I asked to see the lactation specialist several times, but she was always busy. The day we were leaving she stopped by to help me. We worked on it for almost two hours and Elsie was just not interested. She would scream every time we put her on. Finally, the LS told me that we may need to try a nipple shield. I was ok with it, but a little disappointed. We tried it and got Elsie to latch but then she started chewing on the shield which was attached to my nipple. It was very painful. The LS told me that because she was chewing, she wasn't swallowing. She told me that I was going to have to pump to feed her. I was devastated. She came and spent a couple of hours with me and I felt like she completely ruined this wonderful experience for me. My mom went to target and bought me a pump and Trammel consoled me. How could this be happening. I had planned this from before I found out I was pregnant. It was just something that I had always planned to do. It is what is suggested, it is what people expect, it is the norm. Right?

I cried all the time during Elsie's first week. It was so hard watching her eat from a bottle when I wanted nothing more than to feed her myself. She was eating every two hours. I was having to pump 30 minutes before she ate and then she would eat and I would put her to sleep. Then I would have about 45 minutes to sleep. It was a rough few days.

One of Trammel's friends recommended a lactation specialist that they used. I was willing to try anything. We called her, she came the next day. Within the hour, she had Elsie latched and eating (with a nipple shield). She was still chewing a little, but I was so excited she was latched I ignored the pain. We were able to do this for a couple of days. My nipples were so sore, but I thought it was normal until I saw they were cracked and bleeding. They looked like they were falling off. Literally! I had to take a couple of days off from breast feeding to let them heal. I had to put topical cream on them every time I pumped (which was every three hours). It took two days to heal, but they were on the right path. I had decided that I was going to nurse her again the next morning. However, I woke up the next morning and felt terrible! I had cold chills and body aches. I called my doctor. I had developed mastitis, a breast infection, in my left breast. It was so miserable. I kept trying to breast feed her, but she screamed bloody murder every time I put her on. She would scream for 10-15 minutes and then I would cry. I felt like I was torturing her. How had this happened? Why was everything going against us?

I had wanted to breast feed so badly. I wanted to feel that bond. I wanted her to be happy. Did you notice a lot of I's in those sentences? I realized that I was no longer doing what was best for E. I have an extremely happy baby! She eats well, she sleeps well, she smiles.... Why was I killing myself (and making her suffer through it) just to fill my own desires??

One early morning, after a 15 minute battle to get her to eat, and many, many tears (from myself and E) later... I decided to stop trying to nurse Elsie. I decided to pump exclusively and give her breast milk. This is a commitment and a second job (on top of being a mom). However, it makes me feel better about my decision.

This decision has made me feel like a bad mom. It has made me feel like I am not doing what is best for her. I sometimes feel like I have given up too easily. What if tomorrow she decides that she wants to nurse? What if she stops chewing on my nipple? Things could get better, and I am throwing in the towel. But can I really live on the what if's?? I made a decision. I made the best decision I knew how to make. My baby doesn't scream any more when I go to feed her. I don't cry every time she eats because it hurts so bad. She actually smiles at me when she eats now. But the best part.... She is HAPPY. I will pump as long as I can. I will try and feed her breast milk as long as possible. But when I have to switch to formula I will be prepared for that. I am a good mom. I made a tough decision, but we are both better for it.

Elsie- week 2

This week life is getting a little easier for little E and mom. However, there were still breakdowns (from both of us). Breast feeding might be the death of me, but more on that later. I am currently loving how Elsie grunts when she is falling asleep. It is the cutest thing I've ever seen. She also smiles really big all the time. I know, I know... She doesn't know she's doing it, but it is still adorable. I love it when she is crying when her daddy is holding her and he just smiles. He whispers to E that she is still the cutest baby, even when she cries. Speaking of Trammel, he sings to her. Well, kind of.... He doesn't really know the words to any songs. I told him he needed to learn the words to a song and then sing it to her all the time. He told me he did know the words to one song and started singing his elementary school fight song. Where do men come up with these things?? We had Elsie's newborn pictures at nine days new. I can't wait to share them...

Stats this week:
7 lbs 4 oz
20 inches
She is in the 15th percentile for her age. My little peanut!
She eats like a champ (about 2.5 to 3 oz every 3 hours). After she eats she is awake for about 30-60 minutes before she falls asleep.

Whitten Elsie Hoehn

Our little girl joined us on February 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm. We were over joyed and filled with excitement. She weighed in at 6 lbs 5 oz. She is 18 inches long. Elsie is unbelievably beautiful, and I can't wait to explore this big world through her eyes.

More to come on her birth story...

A letter to my daughter...

My Dear Sweet Whitten Elsie,
I am not sure where to begin.  The time has finally come for you to join our party of two and make us a family of three.  I went to Dr. Dunn today, and she was very excited that your momma has progressed.  She decided that we are going to get to bring you into this big world on Friday, February 17th.  She said you might even decide to join us before then. You will be about 2.5 weeks early. I am not worried about you though.  You will be perfect! You are moving around quite a bit and even gave us a little scare today when your heart beat seemed to come from the top of my belly.  We had to check and make sure that you hadn't flipped around.  The good news is you are exactly where your supposed to be. 

I am not sure what to think about your arrival.  I am so excited to meet you and kiss your cheeks.  I can't wait to see what you look like.  I know that you are going to be perfect in every way. However, I am going to be sad when I am not pregnant anymore.  This is a very special time in a woman's life.  A time that I may never get to experience again.  Don't get me wrong... you didn't make it easy.  A little bit like your momma already.  I have loved being able to feel your every wiggle.  You like to stretch really big, and I can feel you pressing on every side of my stomach. You also like to wake me up in the middle of the night and then you go right back to sleep.  I on the other hand am awake for 2-3 hours.  I hope this isn't telling of times to come.

I am also a bit nervous.  I want to be the best mommy to you.  I want to make sure that you are a happy, healthy baby.  I am really afraid that you aren't going to like me. One of my biggest fears is that I won't be enough for you. I hope that I can make you feel safe.  I hope that you never feel alone or scared.  I know there will be moments in your life where this will happen, but I hope that as long as you are in my arms you never have to experience these things. 

Elsie, you are so loved already. Everyone is so excited to meet you, but your daddy and I are most excited of all.  We look forward to seeing you in just a few days.  I hope you are ready to meet us too.  We are praying for you and for a safe delivery.  I will see you very soon!

I love you,
Mommy

"Hello Lover"

Remember when Carrie Bradshaw saw those fabulous Manolo's in the window and cooed at them... "Hello Lover." I totally got that feeling today.  I may or may not have said those exact words in my best Carrie voice. 

My diaper bag came in the mail today!!! YAY! I am so excited.  When I found out I was pregnant, the first thing I started looking for was a fabulous diaper bag.  Now, I am not the most fashionable person in the world, but I knew exactly what I DIDN'T want. 

EXAMPLE A:

EXAMPLE B:

Now, if you are someone who owns one of these bags, or knows someone who owns one of these bags, I am NOT judging.  Just not my style.  I wanted a bag that I could use everyday, even if I didn't have the baby.  So I started the process of looking, and it didn't take long.  I feel in love with the Storksak Elizabeth diaper bag in camel.  I started begging my husband for this amazing bag, 8 months later, he caved! :) I. AM. SO. THRILLED!

Here it is...in all its amazingness. It is a camel leather bag.  It came with a changing pad, bottle cooler, and a mini bag for my personal belongings.  It is simply fabulous.  I can't wait to pack it up with all of Elsie's things.  Now the question is what do you put in a diaper bag?